Her Silk, My Diwali Alone

She had lit them wrong. She knew that even as she set the last one down — the row of diyas along the windowsill uneven, some wicks too short, one already guttering in the draft from the old window frame. Her mother had always lined them up with a steadiness that looked effortless. Priya had taken forty minutes and still they leaned. Outside, Chicago pressed its November dark against the glass, and the little flames made the room into something she almost recognized.

She was wearing the saree because she hadn't known what else to do. Her mother's saree — the deep red one with the gold border, the one that had come out of the trunk smelling of cedar and something older, something she couldn't name. She had wrapped herself in it the way she remembered watching her mother wrap herself, though she'd needed three attempts and a YouTube video and still the pleats weren't right. The silk was heavier than she expected. It pulled at her shoulder, at her hip, with a weight that felt like a hand insisting she stay where she was.

She sat on the floor with her back against the couch. Her knees were together under the fall of red silk, the fabric pooling across both thighs in a single smooth weight. The gold border pressed a faint line across her knee. She was aware of it the way you are aware of something that has touched you with intention.

She hadn't eaten. She had meant to make kheer and had stood in the kitchen for twenty minutes holding a can of condensed milk before she put it back. The apartment was very quiet. In Naperville, her aunt's house would be full right now — cousins, neighbors, the smell of ghee and marigold. Her mother would have been at the center of it, laughing at something, her dupatta sliding off one shoulder.

Priya picked up the hem of the saree.

She didn't plan it. Her hand moved before she understood what she was doing, lifting the heavy border toward her face. The silk was cool against her lips. She held it there. It was damp already — she hadn't realized she had been crying, but the fabric confirmed it, carrying the salt back to her mouth. Cedar. Something faintly floral from storage. The specific weight of it pressed against her lips and she breathed in through the fabric, a slow pull that came out ragged at the end, longer than it went in, the sound of it too loud in the quiet room.

She kept the hem at her mouth for a long moment. The gold border was just rough enough against her lower lip that she felt it as a separate thing from the silk. She pressed harder. Her other hand was flat on the floor beside her, palm down against the bare wood, and she felt the cold of it travel up her wrist.

When she finally lowered the fabric, her knees were still together. The diyas still burned in their imperfect line, the shadows they threw wavering across the ceiling. Her left hand rested on the silk over her thigh. She was aware of the heat that had gathered there — her own, trapped under the fabric, surprising her with how much of it there was.

She was still here. The thought arrived plainly, without comfort and without argument. Just the fact of it.

Her hand lay on the silk, unmoving, feeling the warmth rise through it. The diyas flickered. She did not move her hand away.